Jury Duty and Lunch

Today I had jury duty... actually it was this morning. They let us out at noon. Even though I deleted Beaver's telephone number from my phone, I still had his business card (Damn It!!). I made an agreement with myself. If we got out before noon, I would call. If not then I would never call him again. We got out at 11:45. So I texted him asked him if he wanted to meet up for lunch. We did. We went back to the scene of the crime. We didn't really talk about anything. We definitely didn't talk about THAT. There were awkward silences and odd looks across the table. But I think it was a good idea to see each other. At least the next time we run into each other, it won't be uncomfortable. I probably won't see him again unless we literally do run into each other.

So... for now, the chapter of the Beaver is now officially closed.

One more letter

Dear H -

I know you told me to call, but I don't think that's the smartest thing for me to do right now. I'm sad beyond belief. I told you I never thought I would be enough for you... I guess my gut reaction was right. I should have left while I could. But I wouldn't trade our time together for anything in the world right now. Although, I can't believe that I trusted what you said and your reactions and feelings towards me. I'd have to say your acting warrants an Oscar nomination. In the beginning it was great... like most relationships are. I saw the switch from "I think this may work between us" to "I don't think I want this" turn on. I remember it all too well because you knew I knew. You had the look of unhappiness written in your eyes. It was the first time since we were together that I felt insignificant in your life.

Honestly, in a few months, I don't think you'll even remember my name in passing.

Dumped

So he broke up with me last night. I did see that look in his eyes. The strange look that tells everything about the soul. I guess I was too afraid to notice or to accept that it was real.

In my mind I was prepared for this. I told him and asked him everything that had been haunting me since the first day. But my heart was in no way prepared.

I asked him if he was with me because of me or if he was with me because I wasn't Nina. I'm not even sure how to to explain this. He went into a very long conversation with himself... he said no.
I then asked him what the problem with "us" was. He said he wasn't prepared to answer that question. He just said he couldn't commit with someone unless he was 100% sure he was with the one. As I write this my heart starts to hurt and the tears well up. I'm at work right now, so showing any kind of emotion is forbidden.

It was probably the most sane of breakups.... but it probably hurt the worst.

I told him I was his corn. There really wasn't anything for me to say. I don't like corn, no matter how you prepare it. Not matter how you serve it or present it. I still don't like corn. So, I'm his corn.

I don't know what else to do. Most of my friends tell me to forget about him. Don't worry about it and to move on. I've erased his phone number from my phone and every way of contacting him except for email. My friend Kim did give me a different perspective about the whole thing. Trying to see things in his shoes... if I were him what would my feelings be? And if I like him as much as she thinks I do, then I shouldn't give up. Be there for him. Be patient. If he needs his space then I should give it to him. It's something worth fighting for.

I'm not sure what I need to do. He told me last night to text him. I told him, honestly... I probably won't.

Don't underestimate talking

His silence is deafening. I haven't seen him in almost 2 weeks. It was his ex's birthday this past weekend and he had the kids. I know I'll always come in second, but I feel abandoned right now. My chest hurts because of my heart. I'm tired of being alone. I don't want this to end like the others.

If he doesn't want to do this anymore, I know he would tell me. But right now, I don't think he will. My confidence in our relationship has diminished to almost nothing.

I don't think I'll ever find someone. I think I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Not that I don't need anyone to be happy. I've been happy for the most part of my life. I'm just ready to share my love and happiness with someone else.

Relationships and Woes

It's so weird... how 2 people meet and how their worlds collide with one another. I did some fact checking (stalking) and have found him on several sites. One of them of which he dated someone before his divorce was final. All of which he has always been honest about.

I read his blogs and see how hurt he's been in the past. I'm not sure if I'm the one to mend all that pain.