Addicted...

I think I'm addicted to chapstick. I have about 10 tubes of various brands and flavors scattered around my bedroom, bathroom, purse and desk at work. I don't have a particular favorite, although Blistex is a common purchase and they do have to have SPF. That goes along with my obsession of sunscreen. Everything you wear should have some sort of sunscreen in them. I think it's my fear of wrinkles. My lips go crazy without the stuff. Constantly licking them only to make them even more chapped than before. Maybe I should start making my own. I'm sure Martha Stewart has a recipe.

Cowboy Take Me Away

I wanna sleep on hard ground
In the comfort of your arms
On a pillow of bluebonnets
In a blanket made of stars

Oh it sounds good to me

Cowboy take me away
Fly this girl as high as you can
Into the wild blue
Set me free oh I pray
Closer to heaven above and
Closer to you

800 miles apart

So why is this happening now? We talk everyday and have only been in one argument at best. It wasn't even an argument. It was me, being me...not being able to say exactly what I'm feeling. I think about how strange this all is. I don't know if it's a relationship that we've somehow stumbled into and I don't know if we need to explore it further. We talk as if we have plans of seeing each other soon, when in fact we have no plans at all. This is crazy. It can never work. All signs point to "no". I'm just trying to enjoy it while it lasts.

Baby Love??

So I had a wonderful time in Dallas. Mike was a wonderful host. We did have to work around his work schedule with the rental car, but it turned out perfect. We saw Jamie Cullum, although we left a little early, mainly because I wanted to see Redneck Boy the last night I was in town. He did say things, not necessarily that pissed me off. But it helped to realize how different we truly were. And I don't think it's a bad thing. I figured I wouldn't hear from him after this weekend, but when in fact we have found ourselves talking to each other more than ever. I don't miss him, but I do want to be with him. If that makes any sense at all. He was a gentleman through and through and he was more passionate than I ever predicted. I did get a marriage proposal and an offer to bear his children. I don't think so...the main reason...I don't love him.

I think it's weird some of the things he would say. Maybe I'm just so use to being treated like dog shit that I have forgotten or have I even experienced what someone who actually adores you acts like. Maybe I'm the weird one and reading way too much into this.

Hopefully Guadalupe and Julio will not be born...we agreed that if we were to have children they would look Mexican and therefore have Mexican names.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

So I'm sitting here waiting in Dallas. Waiting, for what. I don't know. My stomach feels sour. I have taken two Zantac 75s. But I don't think it's helping. I look cute. My hair isn't flat and I don't think I stumbled into bad lighting. Anticipation is a bitch and it can be very cruel. Will I have fun with him? Or will he piss be off like so many of them do. Will he say something to put me off or will I be the one that will be put off. It's meeting a friend for the second time that is agonizing.

7:17 PM. He said he would call by 7:00. Should I worry? Am I paranoid? Am I delusional? All of the above???? Times are hard, Times are hard. Self esteem has been at an all time low.

I went to see BD Wong speak. The guy from Law & Order SVU. He said something that clicked in my head and all of the sudden my eyes were filled with tears. It was strange. I never thought about it, it never registered what I was doing or feeling about myself until that moment. And I was overwhelmed.