The First Miss...

So today is the first day that I'm feeling the "missing" emotion. I hate it. I hate that I miss the Redneck. He doesn't deserve my emotions or thoughts. I hate that I wasted so much time on him...but the good news is that no more time will be wasted. Of course it doesn't really explain my mood today. I miss our conversations the most. We would talk about the most random things. And of course I miss the feeling of butterflies in my stomach every time he called. I hate this part of the end of a relationship. I really do.

I hate boys. I hate the person that I become. Although, I don't believe that I change my demeanor completely. I've witnessed it too many times from girlfriends of mine that dumb themselves down once they're around the opposite sex. It's retarded. I don't know why we do it...it just happens.

LIAR!!

We had a conversation the other day...the first in a very long time. It started off fine and then went to shit within minutes.

I don't know what to think about him right now. I'm so angry I can scream. He had the audacity to call me a liar about something that's not even that important. I've never lied to him. He also continued to call me High maintenance and Hard to Get Along With. I did a fucking Corn Dog Eating contest...How high maintenance could I be??!!!

I'm so fed up with him. I still care about him but I just don't have time for this shit right now.

I sent him a couple of my journal entries later than night. The next morning I get an email from him that says, "WOW. That is very deep. I don’t know what to say other than I feel awful. Nothing intentional. It’s just the way things go sometimes."

I guess that was his half ass attempt to apologize. I haven't written him back since. I just want to ask him "Why?"
Why did you feel the need to be so angry at me for no reason at all?
Why did you lie to me about so many things?

I'm done and have washed my hands. I'm just, once again...sad. God I need some Prozac.

He slept with an intern. The end.

Today I am...

...Sad, for reasons beyond me. Reasons that have nothing to do with anything. I don't know why I feel sad today, I just do.

I'm happy

Although things didn't work out with the Redneck. I'm happy about the situation...well, maybe "Happy" is too strong of a word. We don't talk anymore. I have emailed him but I have received no response. So I have to take it with the house motto of "It is what it is". I've always known that it would never work out between us and I have told him this several times in the past. He never really got why I would say something like this. I guess what it all boils down to was the fact that I was scared. Relationships are hard. If they weren't then all of us would be in one. And when you put the "800 miles" factor into the equation it just makes it THAT much harder. We were consistently talking to each other everyday at one point. And I think if we continued on that path one of us would feel emotionally cheated. And it probably would've been me. We would talk and even though he would say the nicest thing to me over the phone, the one thing that would make me happy at that point would be just to see him. But unfortunately that was physically impossible. We were doomed from the start and we both knew this. There were red flags waving at me back in March when this all began. We were discovering something new between us and making a new friend at the same time. I guess I missed what it felt like to have butterflies in my stomach. I honestly don't know what happened between us. And it was mutual. It just sucks that we have to go through this "ignoring" phase before we can be friends again. And sometimes that can take months or even years...Sometimes never. But I'd like to think we're better than that.

I just hope he's doing okay.