Break Ups Suck

The hardest part about breaking up, isn't the break up... it's having to deal with it.

I absolutely hate the fact that we are not friends anymore. I miss our conversation and banter. I can't believe that at one point you were the most important person in my life and now it's hard for me to even call you.

A second time around...

I let you come back into my life a 2nd time. I admit... it was all too easy. I made it that way for you. But I wanted you here with me. Patience is a virtue... I know that now.

You're such a jerk. I'll just get right to it. You voice had a strange tone that I have never heard. You were cold. And you had that look on your face.

You talked about how we don't talk or see each other every day. You wanted space... I thought that's what I was giving you. I wasn't pushing you away.

We didn't even go see Swami Gone Bananas.

Cold. That's what I felt from you. There wasn't any kind of warmth, not towards me anyway.

Something was going on. You've never acted like that towards me.

You said you figured you would let it die itself down. You're a coward.
You wanted something from me.
So you pursued me...
But you're not strong enough to have it.
In a way... it makes you a coward.

You threw us away like it was an everyday thing.

I hate you for that.

I regret everything.
I regret you coming back into my life.
I regret every second I thought about you.
I regret every second I cared about you.
I want to take back all of my kisses to you.
I want to take back all of my love for you.

I hate you.

Full Feldged

I'm sitting here at adorable Carroll Street Cafe, sipping on coffee with nothing to do the day after the 4th. The guy I've been seeing has all of the sudden become distant. This has happened before. He then told me a week later he needed "space". When a guy says "he needs space", a girl translates that into "he doesn't want to see my fat ass and ugly face ever again". In this case he really did need space. 2 months later we're back together. Although this time is different. I don't know if it's different for him but I do know, without a doubt, it's different for me. I'm more insecure about everything. And my heart isn't out there like before.

New version of me...

I need a new version of me... I don't know what it is. But I need a new one.
I went to Jenny and Jacob's baby shower today and saw a lot of old friends and made new ones. Everyone is coupled up. I don't understand what my problem is. Why am I so un-dateable?

He says...

He says that it's him and not me.
He told me that his ex-wife couldn't handle his dysfunctional family.
He told me that his his first girlfriend, after his ex-wife, he fell in love with and she broke his heart.
He told me that his last girlfriend couldn't handle the fact that he had kids and an ex-wife.
He told me that he's broken.
Although his MySpace says "He's here to me the mother of his children".
He already knows the mother of his children... it's his ex-wife.

I find myself in tears everyday.
I miss him. I miss being with him.

Venting

I'm bored and lonely. My roommate is out with his boyfriend and I'm at home alone. I promise you this, I'm not complaining about my life. I love my friends and family and I do count my blessing everyday. But is it too much to ask for someone to love me?

I want to fall asleep next to someone and wake up to at the same time. I'm tired of listening to how other people complain about their significant other. For once, I want to be someone's dream and inspiration. I want to love someone with all of my heart. I want to make someone happy, instead of unhappy.

I'm 31 years old and I've never even come close to uttering the words "I Love You" to someone. I just don't think it's ever going to happen for me.

Wondering

I'm sitting here wondering most minutes of the days, what he's thinking. If he is even thinking of me. We chatted online on Tuesday. He initiated it.

He was more my lobster than any of them. I guess I just miss him... a lot.

Gotta...

Gotta get over this. I've come to at least several conclusions:

1. If he wanted to be with me then he would have a long time ago.

2. He obviously does not think about me as much as I think about him.

3. I don't want to be the reason why he's unhappy.

4. I would not change anything. There's nothing to regret.

5. Give up! And get over it!

Jury Duty and Lunch

Today I had jury duty... actually it was this morning. They let us out at noon. Even though I deleted Beaver's telephone number from my phone, I still had his business card (Damn It!!). I made an agreement with myself. If we got out before noon, I would call. If not then I would never call him again. We got out at 11:45. So I texted him asked him if he wanted to meet up for lunch. We did. We went back to the scene of the crime. We didn't really talk about anything. We definitely didn't talk about THAT. There were awkward silences and odd looks across the table. But I think it was a good idea to see each other. At least the next time we run into each other, it won't be uncomfortable. I probably won't see him again unless we literally do run into each other.

So... for now, the chapter of the Beaver is now officially closed.

One more letter

Dear H -

I know you told me to call, but I don't think that's the smartest thing for me to do right now. I'm sad beyond belief. I told you I never thought I would be enough for you... I guess my gut reaction was right. I should have left while I could. But I wouldn't trade our time together for anything in the world right now. Although, I can't believe that I trusted what you said and your reactions and feelings towards me. I'd have to say your acting warrants an Oscar nomination. In the beginning it was great... like most relationships are. I saw the switch from "I think this may work between us" to "I don't think I want this" turn on. I remember it all too well because you knew I knew. You had the look of unhappiness written in your eyes. It was the first time since we were together that I felt insignificant in your life.

Honestly, in a few months, I don't think you'll even remember my name in passing.

Dumped

So he broke up with me last night. I did see that look in his eyes. The strange look that tells everything about the soul. I guess I was too afraid to notice or to accept that it was real.

In my mind I was prepared for this. I told him and asked him everything that had been haunting me since the first day. But my heart was in no way prepared.

I asked him if he was with me because of me or if he was with me because I wasn't Nina. I'm not even sure how to to explain this. He went into a very long conversation with himself... he said no.
I then asked him what the problem with "us" was. He said he wasn't prepared to answer that question. He just said he couldn't commit with someone unless he was 100% sure he was with the one. As I write this my heart starts to hurt and the tears well up. I'm at work right now, so showing any kind of emotion is forbidden.

It was probably the most sane of breakups.... but it probably hurt the worst.

I told him I was his corn. There really wasn't anything for me to say. I don't like corn, no matter how you prepare it. Not matter how you serve it or present it. I still don't like corn. So, I'm his corn.

I don't know what else to do. Most of my friends tell me to forget about him. Don't worry about it and to move on. I've erased his phone number from my phone and every way of contacting him except for email. My friend Kim did give me a different perspective about the whole thing. Trying to see things in his shoes... if I were him what would my feelings be? And if I like him as much as she thinks I do, then I shouldn't give up. Be there for him. Be patient. If he needs his space then I should give it to him. It's something worth fighting for.

I'm not sure what I need to do. He told me last night to text him. I told him, honestly... I probably won't.

Don't underestimate talking

His silence is deafening. I haven't seen him in almost 2 weeks. It was his ex's birthday this past weekend and he had the kids. I know I'll always come in second, but I feel abandoned right now. My chest hurts because of my heart. I'm tired of being alone. I don't want this to end like the others.

If he doesn't want to do this anymore, I know he would tell me. But right now, I don't think he will. My confidence in our relationship has diminished to almost nothing.

I don't think I'll ever find someone. I think I'll be alone for the rest of my life. Not that I don't need anyone to be happy. I've been happy for the most part of my life. I'm just ready to share my love and happiness with someone else.

Relationships and Woes

It's so weird... how 2 people meet and how their worlds collide with one another. I did some fact checking (stalking) and have found him on several sites. One of them of which he dated someone before his divorce was final. All of which he has always been honest about.

I read his blogs and see how hurt he's been in the past. I'm not sure if I'm the one to mend all that pain.

Over Reaction

So I totally over reacted. He really was sick.

But this week is a different story. We've seen each other twice this week which was nice. This weekend he doesn't have his kids which translates in my mind that we would spend a lot of time together. I had Saturday night all planned out but in his defense I failed to mention it to him. He is to fly out on Sunday for work for an entire week. So I won't see him in a while. I asked him what he was doing tonight and he has plans with a friend.

So right now my feelings are hurt.

It's time

I knew it was too good to be true. Not that anything has happened. I just know that he probably doesn't want to see me anymore. You know you just feel it in your gut and it doesn't feel right. It's not butterflies, nor is it your palms sweating. It's the sick feeling that you're about to get dumped and you know you're not going to be feeling good about this. THIS IS WHY I DON'T DATE!!!!

Amazing (unsafe) Sex

So, we have had sex... I know, it's early... really early. But it's great. It's mind blowing. But we do have a habit of not practicing safe sex. I hope there's not a little Beaver running around 9 months from now. I just want to work on us and hope that this relationship works out, rather than throw a wrench in the whole thing. God, things would get so screwed up... fast.

I don't know what's going on with him. I don't know what he wants. I'm not sure if he's looking for The One Relationship or if he's just trying to find people he wants to hang out with. I mean, I am looking for someone but I'm not looking for someone to save me. That I would like to call as the Disney Princess Syndrome.

I just hope we work out. At least work out long enough for my milk in my refrigerator to spoil.

Lennys, Liverhearts and a very very late night

Things are going so well between me and the Beav. I really do like him. I miss him. But I'm not worried about him. The best thing about him, is that I don't have to worry about him. I know that if I have a question, that he would answer it. If he didn't want to see me anymore, that he would tell me. I don't know why, but I don't freak out if he's not with me or not by my side or if he hasn't called me. I trust him. And that's the best part of us and this relationship.

Leave it to Beaver

This past weekend I hosted potluck dinner for my favorite people at work. We had such a great time. Lots of great food and lots of drinks. I'm very fortunate that I work with such wonderful people. The Beav made a surprise appearence. I was so happy he came. And I was even happier when I didn't really have to "babysit" him. He was perfectly fine running around the house taking pictures of people he didn't even know while I visited with my friends. He bonded well with the non-depot employees... the boyfriends of those who I work with. He stayed over that night, and for the first time I was comfortable with him being there.

A week later and things couldn't be better between us. It's almost scary. He confessed that I had him when I checked out his System Preferences on his computer. I know... it's so geeky. But I like it.

What the hell?

The universe has decided to pee on me. After 6 months of not communicating with the redneck I have finally thrown myself out into the dating world and have made an attempt to move on. First move was to sign up for online dating. I'm on Match and EHarmony. I've gotten some pretty interesting feedback. A lot of winks from a lot of old men, which creeps me out. I found out that even though it may be bad to be rejected, but it's even worse if you're rejected by someone you didn't even like to begin with.

I have had a few prospects and actually did meet someone this past weekend. I had a great time. He was really nice and I absolutely had a positive first time on-line dating experience with him. We are definitely into the same things (computers and technology). He's very passionate about music. I was obviously nervous. I figured I would only be out with him for a couple of hours but we were out for about 4-5 hours. I do have a nickname for him and it's The Beav.

So, we got together that following Wednesday night at Carroll Street. Had a good time. The subject of his ex wife did come up more than usual. He gave me her blog address. He basically said that if I want to know what happened between them then I can read her blog. I didn't want to do that, but curiosity got a hold of me and I did. Actually, I printed out her blog and passed it around at work for everyone to read and to judge. We all came to the conclusion that there is still a lot of emotion still there. A lot of unresolved feelings towards each other. And I read his myspace page and he actually wrote a letter to his ex and I don't even know if I really want to get into all of this. Plus the fact that they have 2 beautiful kids together. It's just a little too much at once.

I do like him. And I was so happy after our first date. I don't know what to do... dating is so freakin' hard!!! Do I try and start to invest in this? Or should I just move on to the next online guy and see how that goes?