Dear Redneck,

So much has been going on in my life these past two weeks. And I hate that I can't just call you up and tell you about it. I can't tell you about the funny stories at work. I can't tell you about the annoying kid down the street that busted his ass riding his bike. And I can't tell you how much fun I had this past weekend but I missed you terribly.

Things have drastically changed between us. It's hard getting use to but I know eventually I will get there...we both will. It's just really sad to me whenever a perfectly good freindship is ruined because we decided to go "there". I don't regret it. I just wish we found each other sooner.

Your next relationship will probably be the one. Because usually, after my relationships, the guys ALWAYS end up with a girl that he spends the rest of his life with. So, if you're a guy, wanting to find that special someone...you have to go through me first. All I ask is for one night of amazing sex before you dump me. :)

My Love for you is non-existent

Sometimes I find myself wondering if he's thinking about me. I haven't written him back or had any kind of communication with him for about 2 weeks now. I know I shouldn't write him back or even call him. I went to Clemson's first game yesterday and I couldn't help but to think how much fun the Redneck would have at these games. I miss him terribly. But I have to change the direction of my life and that direction doesn't include him.

I have to get over this. I really do. It's just so fucking hard. This is the time I wish I had the chemical makeup of a man...because they just don't fucking care. Why do I care so much? Why does he feel a need to privately talk about me to deal with his issues towards me? Why do I hold onto memories? BECAUSE I'M A GIRL...and we do stupid shit like this.

The First Miss...

So today is the first day that I'm feeling the "missing" emotion. I hate it. I hate that I miss the Redneck. He doesn't deserve my emotions or thoughts. I hate that I wasted so much time on him...but the good news is that no more time will be wasted. Of course it doesn't really explain my mood today. I miss our conversations the most. We would talk about the most random things. And of course I miss the feeling of butterflies in my stomach every time he called. I hate this part of the end of a relationship. I really do.

I hate boys. I hate the person that I become. Although, I don't believe that I change my demeanor completely. I've witnessed it too many times from girlfriends of mine that dumb themselves down once they're around the opposite sex. It's retarded. I don't know why we do it...it just happens.

LIAR!!

We had a conversation the other day...the first in a very long time. It started off fine and then went to shit within minutes.

I don't know what to think about him right now. I'm so angry I can scream. He had the audacity to call me a liar about something that's not even that important. I've never lied to him. He also continued to call me High maintenance and Hard to Get Along With. I did a fucking Corn Dog Eating contest...How high maintenance could I be??!!!

I'm so fed up with him. I still care about him but I just don't have time for this shit right now.

I sent him a couple of my journal entries later than night. The next morning I get an email from him that says, "WOW. That is very deep. I don’t know what to say other than I feel awful. Nothing intentional. It’s just the way things go sometimes."

I guess that was his half ass attempt to apologize. I haven't written him back since. I just want to ask him "Why?"
Why did you feel the need to be so angry at me for no reason at all?
Why did you lie to me about so many things?

I'm done and have washed my hands. I'm just, once again...sad. God I need some Prozac.

He slept with an intern. The end.

Today I am...

...Sad, for reasons beyond me. Reasons that have nothing to do with anything. I don't know why I feel sad today, I just do.

I'm happy

Although things didn't work out with the Redneck. I'm happy about the situation...well, maybe "Happy" is too strong of a word. We don't talk anymore. I have emailed him but I have received no response. So I have to take it with the house motto of "It is what it is". I've always known that it would never work out between us and I have told him this several times in the past. He never really got why I would say something like this. I guess what it all boils down to was the fact that I was scared. Relationships are hard. If they weren't then all of us would be in one. And when you put the "800 miles" factor into the equation it just makes it THAT much harder. We were consistently talking to each other everyday at one point. And I think if we continued on that path one of us would feel emotionally cheated. And it probably would've been me. We would talk and even though he would say the nicest thing to me over the phone, the one thing that would make me happy at that point would be just to see him. But unfortunately that was physically impossible. We were doomed from the start and we both knew this. There were red flags waving at me back in March when this all began. We were discovering something new between us and making a new friend at the same time. I guess I missed what it felt like to have butterflies in my stomach. I honestly don't know what happened between us. And it was mutual. It just sucks that we have to go through this "ignoring" phase before we can be friends again. And sometimes that can take months or even years...Sometimes never. But I'd like to think we're better than that.

I just hope he's doing okay.

You Are Always On My Mind

Sometimes I wonder why things happen the way they do. It's amazing how you start to see the cracks in a relationship after it's broken. I was just lonely and needing affection. He seemed to have a lot going on in his life. He's a lot stronger than he gives himself credit for. He's been through a lot, more than I've ever known.

He told me I was difficult and that he was equally difficult. I don't know if it's because we're both difficult or just opinionated...maybe we're both strong minded. We just didn't get along.

City

You Are Austin

A little bit country, a little bit rock and roll. You're totally weird and very proud of it. Artistic and freaky, you still seem to fit in... in your own strange way. Famous Austin residents: Lance Armstrong, Sandra Bullock, Andy Roddick

What American City Are You?

I

Courtesy of Strange Places Strange Faces


I
I AM: scared of getting my feelings hurt...always
I SAID: WTF??
I WANT: everyone to be happy
I WISH: I wasn't poor
I MISS: my dog
I HEAR: the bleep-bleep of TiVo
I WONDER: if the "Right One" will ever come along.
I REGRET: nothing.
I AM NOT: confident
I DANCE: for fun
I SING: loudly in my car
I CRY: more often than you might imagine.
I AM ALWAYS: daydreaming
I MAKE WITH MY HANDS: ??
I WRITE: to vent
I CONFUSE: myself when I over analyze
I NEED: to remember the important things in life.
I SHOULD: stop being pessimistic
I START: things and never finish
I END: alone

I'm Sorry!!

I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry I'm Sorry

Addicted...

I think I'm addicted to chapstick. I have about 10 tubes of various brands and flavors scattered around my bedroom, bathroom, purse and desk at work. I don't have a particular favorite, although Blistex is a common purchase and they do have to have SPF. That goes along with my obsession of sunscreen. Everything you wear should have some sort of sunscreen in them. I think it's my fear of wrinkles. My lips go crazy without the stuff. Constantly licking them only to make them even more chapped than before. Maybe I should start making my own. I'm sure Martha Stewart has a recipe.

Cowboy Take Me Away

I wanna sleep on hard ground
In the comfort of your arms
On a pillow of bluebonnets
In a blanket made of stars

Oh it sounds good to me

Cowboy take me away
Fly this girl as high as you can
Into the wild blue
Set me free oh I pray
Closer to heaven above and
Closer to you

800 miles apart

So why is this happening now? We talk everyday and have only been in one argument at best. It wasn't even an argument. It was me, being me...not being able to say exactly what I'm feeling. I think about how strange this all is. I don't know if it's a relationship that we've somehow stumbled into and I don't know if we need to explore it further. We talk as if we have plans of seeing each other soon, when in fact we have no plans at all. This is crazy. It can never work. All signs point to "no". I'm just trying to enjoy it while it lasts.

Baby Love??

So I had a wonderful time in Dallas. Mike was a wonderful host. We did have to work around his work schedule with the rental car, but it turned out perfect. We saw Jamie Cullum, although we left a little early, mainly because I wanted to see Redneck Boy the last night I was in town. He did say things, not necessarily that pissed me off. But it helped to realize how different we truly were. And I don't think it's a bad thing. I figured I wouldn't hear from him after this weekend, but when in fact we have found ourselves talking to each other more than ever. I don't miss him, but I do want to be with him. If that makes any sense at all. He was a gentleman through and through and he was more passionate than I ever predicted. I did get a marriage proposal and an offer to bear his children. I don't think so...the main reason...I don't love him.

I think it's weird some of the things he would say. Maybe I'm just so use to being treated like dog shit that I have forgotten or have I even experienced what someone who actually adores you acts like. Maybe I'm the weird one and reading way too much into this.

Hopefully Guadalupe and Julio will not be born...we agreed that if we were to have children they would look Mexican and therefore have Mexican names.

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

So I'm sitting here waiting in Dallas. Waiting, for what. I don't know. My stomach feels sour. I have taken two Zantac 75s. But I don't think it's helping. I look cute. My hair isn't flat and I don't think I stumbled into bad lighting. Anticipation is a bitch and it can be very cruel. Will I have fun with him? Or will he piss be off like so many of them do. Will he say something to put me off or will I be the one that will be put off. It's meeting a friend for the second time that is agonizing.

7:17 PM. He said he would call by 7:00. Should I worry? Am I paranoid? Am I delusional? All of the above???? Times are hard, Times are hard. Self esteem has been at an all time low.

I went to see BD Wong speak. The guy from Law & Order SVU. He said something that clicked in my head and all of the sudden my eyes were filled with tears. It was strange. I never thought about it, it never registered what I was doing or feeling about myself until that moment. And I was overwhelmed.